Becoming the best negotiating version of yourself

Negotiation can be defined in many ways –  yet, at its simplest, it’s just a conversation between two (or more) people seeking an outcome they can all accept.

In theory, that shared intent should make negotiation a straightforward process. In reality? It’s rarely that straightforward. Whether it’s the pressure to succeed, a fear of failure, or the competitive dynamics at play, negotiations can quickly become complex. Strategies, tactics, collaborative or competitive styles, win-lose versus win-win - there’s a lot to consider before you even begin talking.

Add to that the variety of negotiation scenarios - one-off deals, managing long-term relationships, tactical contracts, decades-long strategic partnerships - and the complexity multiplies. It’s no wonder you often hear people say: “Every negotiation is different.”

I’m no Robert De Niro!

To succeed, negotiators need to be flexible. They need to tailor their approach to the moment. But, crucially that doesn’t mean abandoning who you are. It means understanding the environment and adapting your behaviour accordingly.

I’ve long believed this ability to shift and adapt is essential - not just for results, but for resilience. Yet, I’ve also come to realise, that this often needs to be learnt, just like any other new skill. I remember running a workshop for a global business some years ago, when a delegate said, “Paul, you want me to learn new skills, new tools and behave like someone else?? I’m no Robert De Niro!”

That moment stuck with me. Because the truth is, negotiators are just people, not Hollywood actors. People with different personalities, different comfort zones, different learning styles. Expecting everyone to behave to a single prescribed format, or indeed, to become someone else entirely, adds unnecessary pressure to an already challenging situation.

Understand thy self

So what’s the answer? For me, it’s this: become the best negotiating version of yourself.

Start by accepting who you are. Your core personality doesn’t need to change and that’s not a problem. Self-acceptance is liberating. It frees you from comparison and imposter syndrome. You don’t have to be someone else to be effective - you just have to know and work with who you are.

Let’s reframe the question. It’s no longer “How should a negotiator behave?” but: “How should I behave, as me, to get the result I want?”

Now, the learning becomes personal to you. Yes, your goals may be similar to your colleagues, but the how - the behaviours, the learning process, the support you need - will differ.

Take questioning, listening, and using silence as an example – all core negotiation skills. The way a bold, outgoing extrovert builds those skills is likely to be very different for a more reflective introverted person. The end goal is the same. The route is not.

In elite sport, coaches don’t push every athlete the same way. They focus on What does this individual need? How do I get the best out of them? Negotiation is no different.

Progress not performance

Back to that story of my workshop delegate. I can’t recall what I said at the time, but if it happened today, I’d say: “You don’t have to be Robert De Niro. Just be you. Understand the principles. Understand the environment. And understand what that means for you. Become the best negotiating version of yourself.”

That’s the goal – understanding and progress. Not a flawless Oscar-winning performance. But a competent, flexible, authentic negotiator.

Get in touch with Paul Bradford to discuss how you and your teams can be the best negotiating version of yourselves.

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